Hoodening Play 2005

Moll:: The Hoodeners are here!; All right you lot, keep clear of my broom; Stand back to the wall, give us some room; I could 'ear you lot halfway down the street; So keep quiet, stop stamping your feet; I've had enough, can't hear myself think; I'm hungry and thirsty — is that your drink?
Moll helps herself: Must get on or we'll never get done; Where are the others? Ah, here they come
George (in pubs):: Cor, the smell of smoke couldn't get much stronger; Still we won't have that for very much longer
Enter Sam, George, Boy, Dobbin
Sam:: It's parky outside, I can't feel my toes; There's a dewdrop forming on the end of my nose; Why do we work when the weather's like this?; I'm knackered and shattered
Boy:: I need a p…
Moll:: Boy!
(Boy goes off)
Sam:: I must say, now he's gone to the lav; He's turning into a right little chav
George:: He'll be back wearing a Hoodie in a minute
Sam:: That's why we're called the Hoodeners, innit?
At some venues sing "Hoodies… Hoodie Hoodie Yum Yum" [Goodies theme]
George:: This cold gets deep down into your bones; All we get from Molly is groans; About this and that and all things mournful
Sam:: It's either than or she's being scornful; Times are hard and money's tight; Desperate, George…
George:: Ay, you're right
Boy returns
Moll:: Time we all had a few days' break; Had a rest for goodness' sake; I'll ask the Boss to see if he might; Give us Christmas off…
George:: Yeah, right!
Sam:: Dobbin needs it, he's on his last pole; We go on like this, we'll be on the dole
Moll:: It's time this horse cheered up for sure; He really is no fun anymore
George:: It might be that diet that's stopped his frolic
Moll:: Either that or a dose of colic
George:: Give him a pill for his digestion; Praps that will ease his congestion
Moll:: Dobbin will then cease to shirk; Maybe then we'll finish the work
Boy:: If 'arry had stayed and not gone to France; The work would be done…
Dobbin:: Fat chance!
Moll:: He's just working there, not planning to stay; A few roofs to mend, some bricks to lay; We'll manage without him, that's all I'll say
Sam:: He never did that much anyway
Boy:: He did more than you, yer miserable git
Sam:: You cheeky wussock, watch your lip!
Moll:: He's been drinking again, binging it's called
Sam:: A right little p…head, I'm really appalled
George:: The amount he drinks is totally absurd; Takes after his father, that's what I've heard
Sam:: The other night he was thrown out the Anchor; Out of his head, the little…
Moll:: Sam!
Sam:: He's on something, from what I can see
George:: Praps he got it from that Tory MP
Boy:: Am I bothered? I can hold my liquor; I can down ten pints without a flicker; Then a dozen shorts to end the night
Sam:: Do you ever throw up?
Boy:: Sometimes I might
Moll:: Flintoff don't worry when you go to the wicket; This boy just drinks, he can't play cricket
Sam:: You said he'd got a good cut and can catch
Moll:: No, half cut I meant, that's most of the match
Sam:: I've seen him slash down to deep extra cover
Moll:: If he does that again I'll tell his mother
Sam:: I've seen him drop balls at silly mid-off
George:: That's because of his nasty cough
Boy coughs. Enter Bill.
Moll:: What do you want?
Bill:: What's it to you?; I've come to see what's to do; 'arry said I could take his place; I'll need new clothes, his were a disgrace
George:: You can't just waltz in like some flaming Mathilda; 'arry's clothes fit — if you've a bum like a builder
Boy:: Yeah, go take a hike; Or I'll slap your face. On yer bike
Bill:: He's a stroppy bugger, a right little brat; I'll mark his cards, be sure of that
Bill goes out
Sam:: Don't worry if he gets your goat; I'll tighten that Burberry scarf round his throat
Moll:: Best be careful 'case we get the sack; Look out… he's coming back!
Bill slaps envelope on Boy
Bill:: There, I'll come back when it suits me; I travel about for a living, you see
Moll:: What is it Boy?
Boy:: He must be a warder
All:: Why?
Boy:: It's an anti-social behavement order; What can I do? It's spoilt my night
Moll:: Best behave, eh George?
George:: You're probably right
Sam:: I hear rumbling afar
Moll:: Is it cannons praps?; In honour of Victory won by Nelson's fine chaps?
Boy:: If it's cannons, I'm hiding and downing my tools; I don't want to be hit by one of those balls
Moll:: You daft little sod, there's no need to break ranks; I'm pretty sure that they only fire blanks
Sam:: I quite see myself as Nelson you know; A fine English bloke who knew where to go; I hope to be mounted upon a big column
Moll:: That could be arranged, with this broom up your bottom
George:: I don't think that noise means we're going to be shot; I think that it's coming from one of you lot!
Sam:: There's turbines and windmills a-whirlin' offshore; And I think I heard tell that they want to build more
Boy:: If it's wind that they need then ol' Dobbin's for rent; Our 'orse farts for Britain, he could power all Kent
Moll:: It won't be long before Dobbin quits; I think he's getting a dose of the squits
Whoever:: As we're here Hoodening today; We've some special lines we'd like to say… [or not]
Sam:: We've got a few minutes before it gets dark; Let's play some cricket, just for a lark
Music: Soul Limbo!
George:: We'll 'ave Molly's broom to use as a bat; Sam's apple for a ball…
Sam:: I dunno about that
Boy:: We need something else to use as the stumps; Let's use Dobbin, he's down in the dumps
Moll:: His back legs and tail will probably do
George:: What about bales?
Sam:: I think he's got two
George:: Come on Boy, your turn at the crease; Work on the ball, Sam, use your grease
Sam bowls
Sam:: Howzat George, must have been tight?; Plum LBW?
George:: No, not quite
Boy misses next ball, hits Dobbin who kicks back
Moll:: Oh no! Dobbin's felled our poor boy
Sam:: Tossed on the ground like a broken toy
George:: Felled by a hoof from our vicious horse; Now let nature take its course
Moll:: It's the danger of drink that's caused his demise
Sam:: He lost his balance when he closed his eyes; Anyway, did the last ball go for four?; Did anyone stop it?
George:: I'm not sure
Moll:: You two, how can you, have you no compassion?; Our Boy's laid out
George:: He took quite a bashin'
Moll:: Dobbin's upset, he meant him no harm
Dobbin kicks out at Boy
Moll:: Anymore of that and you'll go back to the farm
Sam:: Out of the way, no ifs or buts; Those pills have upset Dobbin's guts
Dobbin craps over Boy
Moll:: As usual for this time of year; Dobbin's got a bad case of diarrhoea
George:: Let's cover him up, 'cause I think he'd dead; Get out the sheet, tuck it under his head
Sam:: That proves it, he's dead 'tis true; I hope he ain't got that there bird flu
George:: Should we wait a while before we dig a hole?
Moll:: He may still come round, the poor little soul
Sam:: We could of course always cremate; In which case, I've an idea… wait; He wanted to give them Aussies some bashes; Now he can — he can be the Ashes!
All:: Sam!
Enter Bill
George:: Oh no, it's him again; He really is a bit of a pain
Bill slaps ABSO on Dobbin
Bill:: I'm a part-time doctor and I'll find a cure; What's up with the lad?
Moll:: He's dead
Bill:: Are you sure?; I'm not much of an expert, but I think you'll note; That there's an apple gone and lodged in his throat
Sam:: I'll give him a slap on the back of his neck
Moll:: It's out!
Sam:: Howzat?
George:: Flipping 'eck!
Boy splutters back to life
All:: He's alive!
Boy gets up
Sam:: You pulled him through — saved us some strife; How can we thank you for saving his life
Bill:: You can take me on, put me in charge; I'm right for the job… Is this hat too large?
Moll:: The Boss won't agree, that's all I can say; So thanks for your help, but…
George:: On your way!
Bill:: I'll be back later when you've made up your mind; I'm right for the job, I'm sure you'll find; I must pop back and see [to] my wife; See you later…
Boy:: He saved my life!
Moll:: Seriously Sam, we must not tarry; Someone's needed to replace 'arry
Sam:: There's nobody else, not in this house; We need someone with a bit of nous
George:: Bill's not bad, useful I'd say
Boy:: He saved my life
Sam:: Yeah, OK
Moll:: But we must ask the Boss if it's OK to hire; Next time we see him we should enquire
Sam:: He's bound to agree, we'll give Bill a shout; Boy, go find him, and don't hang about
Boy:: OK, I'm going, that apple was rife; I must find him — he saved my life!
Moll:: Go quick as you can, there's no time to be lost
George:: So best not go via Westwood Cross
Boy goes off. Sound of Dr Who music and arrival of TARDIS. Bill emerges.
Sam:: Crikey, what's that? Is it some form of art?
Moll:: Don't be daft, you stupid old fart
Sam:: It has the look of the Turner Centre
George:: I rather think it's the return of our mentor
Bill:: I said that I travelled, and was a doctor part-time; I hope you like this TARDIS of mine?
Moll:: What an entrance, take my advice; Give him the job… Name your price!
George:: That beats riding Dobbin for sure; I want a go!
Bill:: Stand back from that door…; Right, stand in line, there will be no slacking; Anyone who skives will be sent packing
Enter Boy
Boy:: Who's he, I know his face; Move aside, I need Space
Bill:: You certainly came in well on cue; Join with me as one of the crew
Boy:: The Boss answered our Christmas suggestion; He said it spoilt his digestion
Moll:: What else did he say?
Boy:: My ear got cuffed; And just like the turkey, we can all get stuffed
Sam:: I think we're all in need of a drink; Best tell about our cause, I think
George:: Please dig deep, give all you can afford; For care of the elderly at St Augustine's Ward
Moll:: They need a new scanner to look in the bladder; When mine's full, nothing makes me madder
Sam:: You leave it too late, that's even sadder; Help us to climb this financial ladder
Boy:: We want your quids, not your tanners
Bill:: They come expensive, diagnostic scanners
George:: However much money that we sends; Will be topped up by the League of Friends
Sam:: And finally, by way of a marker; In memory of the late Ronnie Barker
Moll:: An item of late news we must say:; Dobbin's decided to call it a day
George:: Yes, he's confirmed the worst of our fears; He's hanging up his hooves after 40 years
Sam:: So it's goodnight from us
All:: And it's goodbye from him; For, if ye the Hooden Horse do feed; Throughout the year ye shall not need