Hoodening Play 1996

(30th anniversary)

Moll:: The Hoodeners are here!
Come on, shift yourselves, move aside
Give us a chance to get inside…
We'll have to make a bit of room
Stand well back or you'll feel my broom!
(Enter the others; Boy on Dobbin)
All:: Whoa! Dobbin Whoa! Whoa!
Sam:: Moll! Stop swishing that broom up so high
You're sure to poke out someone's eye
Boy:: Or break a tooth, or even a nose
Moll:: Aaah! You stupid nag, you're on my toes!
(Moll swings round and catches George)
Sam:: Careful George, she seems half tight
Step back a bit…
George:: I think I might!
(Moll whacks Dobbin)
'arry:: Moll you're whacking Dobbin like a demented muppet…
Moll: Who cares? He's only a puppet!
Sam:: And Boy, a hard hat you need on your head
You fall off that horse, you could be dead
(Boy stops mounting Dobbin — and gets off)
'arry:: We'll have to watch where we go
After beer, reactions are slow
Particularilarilyly Moll, she's worst of all
She's lethal with her hands on a tool
(Moll looks at 'arry)
Boy:: She's a menacing hag, especially tonight
D'you agree George?
George:: Aye, you're right
Sam:: I've been meaning to say, the Boss has said
There's regulations that must be read
All:: What?
(Repeated… ad nauseam!)
'arry:: Go on then, tell us you berk
Sam:: It's something called "Health and Safety at Work"
(Sam gets out "Alf & Safety at Work Act 1974")
George:: Whassat?
Moll:: Yeah, what does it mean?
Boy:: You're a danger Moll, as we've already seen
Sam:: To use that thing, there's certain rules
Moll:: Come near me and I'll wack your… (boules?!)
'arry:: Steady Moll, don't get in a state
There's good points, if you just wait
Sam:: We are now aware as we complete our tasks
That if Dobbin farts, we all wear masks
George:: I always do!
Boy:: If we handle Sam, it's gloves in case
Sam:: You handle me, I'll smash your face!
Moll:: One bite from Dobbin we'd need a vetinus
His victim could well end up with tetanus
George:: With what in us?
Sam:: Lockjaw to you, George
'arry:: This whip when used for a fend
Has a deadly effect — like Sam's end!
Sam:: I've just got wind of what he's said
Let's read some special lines instead
[Special lines]
Moll:: Times are hard, I'm dead beat
It's no joke working a 48-hour week
Boy:: We need to earn a bit more dough
But what to do, I just dunno
'arry:: All I owe I've stopped counting
Sam:: Just like Fergie, my debts keep mounting
[or do I mean my creditors?]
'arry:: All we can offer is honest toil
George:: I think the answer lies in the soil!
Sam:: I've got no cash it makes my blood boil
George:: I'm sure the answer lies in the soil…
Moll:: 'ang on, he's right, we could tend a plot
Some extra land wouldn't cost a jot
Boy:: There is a field they use for hay
On the left down Shuart way
Sam:: We could flog the crops that we sow
The Boss would never need to know
'arry:: Grow some carrots, praps some beet
That would help to make ends meet
George:: Some runner beans just like old Joe's
Sam:: Loads of the buggers all in rows!
All:: Not that many… !
Boy:: Praps some beetroot or a cauli
Or a nice long marrow just for Molly!
Moll:: Some purple sprouts for the boy
We could even try some… Pak Choi
George:: Pack what?
Others:: Dunno George
Sam:: We'd need some muck on the fields to lie
Where could we get a good supply… ?
(Dobbin drops poops)
George:: Dobbin was only trying to help
Boy:: Less trouble than going to get some kelp
Molly:: Let's gather it up then, no want, no waste
It'll give our veg a different taste
'arry:: Come on Boy, clear up — use Sam's hat
Sam:: Hang on a minute, I don't know about that!
Boy:: Don't worry Sam, it helps things grow…
An' your hairline could do with some help, you know!
(Boy swiftly snatches hat from Sam and gathers poops)
Molly:: Once you've done that, Boy, get (on) down to the field
Start digging the earth to improve its yield
Sam:: We'll join you later [to others:] once we've bin to the pub
And had a few pints, and a bit of grub
(Exit Boy)
George:: Good idea Sam, our throats are quite dry
(Meaningful look at host / landlord)
Sam:: I wonder if they get what we're trying to imply… ?
'arry:: While we wait 'ere for some supper,
A glass of wine… or even a cuppa?! yeuch!
(Sam rubs his tum)
Sam:: Possibly a plate of bangers and mash…
Molly:: No! Back to our problem of lack of cash
George:: Cheap seeds is what we needs
We must grow something other than weeds
Molly:: All you ever sow is your wild oats
Search the pockets of your coats
(All search pockets bringing out various objects)
Sam:: Nuts! That's all I've got in my pocket
(Moll looks at Sam knowingly — Sam pulls out walnuts)
'arry:: No good, it'll take years to crop it
Faster crops are what it's all about
Takes too long to grow a sprout
George:: Sprouting mung beans only takes days
Of making money, there's quicker ways
I think the answer lies in the soil
With Dobbin we have the perfect foil
Something we could sell quite cheap
Sell 'orse craps from our dung heap
Sam:: That I would say is good business thinking
With our horse, that pile's never shrinking
In fact it will be like perpetual motion
When we need more, just give 'im a potion!
Molly:: What, get other people to buy our manure?
Well, it is all clean and pure…
No diggin', no weedin' of our plot
Sam:: I say let's give it our best shot
George:: People would buy our farmyard muck
Delivered by bag or the farm truck
(All look amazed at George's clever idea!)
'arry:: That Boy's such a shirker, he'll be back soon, I'm sure…
What did I tell you, here he is at the door!
(Enter Boy with horse's skull)
Boy:: 'ere, you lot, have a look what I found!
When I dug up the field, this popped out the ground
It gave me a shock, that's no mistake
Molly:: Keep it away from me, for Goodness' sake
'arry:: It looks like a piebald, 'bout this height
(Demonstrates about the height of Dobbin; Dobbin begins to get agitated)
('arry:): Wouldn't you say George?
George:: Mebbe you're right!
Sam:: Remember old Satan, Black Beauty and Scarlet?
'arry:: Oh I remember her, that Birchington harlot…
Sam: No, the horses I mean, that we used in past years
George:: You know 'arry — with tails, and waggly ears!
('arry clouts George)
Molly:: It could even be from a prior generation
We'd need to preserve it for… erm .. preservation
Boy:: I wonder if it's haunted? Do you think there's a curse?
Sam:: Well our luck couldn't egzakly get much worse…
Boy:: D'you think it's from Dobbin's ancestral line
His family tree maybe we could unwind
There is a likeness to the old nag
Praps his great uncle or even granddad
Molly:: Alas poor Dorrick, he served us well…
'arry:: I 'ated the bugger — let 'im rot in 'ell!
Boy:: The spooky skull has come back for revenge
On us Hoodeners, it's come to avenge
Molly:: Lord have mercy on "our-souls"!
'arry (aside):: Especially Sam's!
George:: It must be a sign from Hoodening past
We're in for it now, let's get out fast!
'arry:: Enough of this jibbering; hang on a minute
I can't see no horns, nor no evil spirit
George:: Who's got the horn?
(Dobbin begins moving around)
'arry:: What's up with the horse, control him Boy
Boy:: You hold this George — I'll try a ploy
(Hands skull to George to clear away; tries to calm down Dobbin)
George (to skull):: What d'ya think of it so far?
Heckler(s):: Rubbish!
Sam:: Ditch that cranium before he goes mad
(Exit George with skull)
Molly:: I think we're too late… things look bad
Sam:: Put yer hard hats on, before he moves
Watch out… he's rearing… mind 'is hooves!
(Dobbin rears and floors poor old Moll)
Boy:: Oh! By Golly! He's floored our Molly
This'll put the wind up her brolly
'arry:: Wait! It's much worse than that
Look! Blood trickling under her hat
(George returns from saving skull from brain drain)
George:: Has her vital spark bin snuffed out?
Sam:: Yes, by our Dobbin's vicious clout
Boy:: Her face has gone a sort of pale grey
Not a nice way to end her day
Our horse was frightened by that skeleton
If only she'd had her hard hat hon
Boy:: I think praps it's time for our song
(All don hats for H.O.S.S. — see below)
Sam:: Health and Safety at work — didn't work
We'd best bandage her up like a Turk
'arry:: So's you can't see the awful scar
We're not goin' to carry her far
(Bandages are applied all over Moll)
Sam:: She looks like an Egyptian mummy
Don't cover her whole body, dummy!
I'm sure that this untimely cull
Was brought on by (eerily) the curse of the skull!
Let's leave her lying in the gully
And maybe call for Mulder and Skully!
George:: Hang on, I think she breathed
I'm sure her flat chest just heaved
Moll, you're alive! Help her up
Molly:: I can't see a thing. I think I'm blind
Boy:: It's all right, it's only these wraps to unwind…
Tug it hard, give it a twist
Then we can all go and get pissed
'arry:: Don't pull too hard, you'll spin the old biddy
Moll:: Stop it you lot, I'm feeling giddy!
George:: We need a smell to bring 'er round
Sam:: Use these few that I've just found
Praps she's lost her sense of smell…
Ought to make her eat one as well!
Moll:: I think I'm feeling better already
'arry:: Her eyes look clear, her legs are steady
Moll:: Best put those deposits in a safe place
While I go and wipe this crap off my face
Boy:: Talking of deposits, it's your funds we need
For your pounds, shillings and pence it's time to plead
George:: As every year, we get quite vocal
Trying to raise cash for charities local
'arry:: This year again our collection will be split
George:: So we give them the money… and we keep the…
'arry:: 'ere comes Molly, give 'er your ackers
Else we'll have to send Dobbin to the knackers
George:: It's our 30th anniversary, so dig extra deep
'Cos it's deserving causes what the profits will reap
'Orses for causes is the name of the game
Boy:: An' if ye dinna gius some cash, we willna ge hame!
All:: For if ye the Hooden Horse do feed
Throughout the year ye shall not need

Song

(With "Village People" style hard hats, to the tune of "YMCA"): Old bag, there's no need to stay down
I said, old bag, pick yourself off the ground
I said, old bag, 'cause the horse kicked your crown
There's no need to play dead no more

[Solo] It's always fun with the [All] H.O.S.S.
[Solo] We are the Hoodeners [All] H.O.S.S.
Of Sarre and St Nicholas
We've got a horse
He's called Dobbin of course
And a skull which we think is cursed

Old bag, there are places to go
I said, old bag, when you're short on your dough
You can act there, and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time.

[Solo] It's always fun with the [All] H.O.S.S.
[Solo] We are the Hoodeners [All] H.O.S.S.
Of Sarre and St Nicholas
We've got a horse
He's called Dobbin of course
And our singing could not get worse

[yeah, right… shut up then…]